moodometer - updated october eleventh, 2:51am
this is the part of the website where i display my mood or generally what's been going through my mind as of late.
the past week or two have been hell on earth for me mentally. people always tell me to keep pushing, keep trying and whatnot, but realistically nothing will change unless i make it happen myself. unfortunately with the position i'm in, i have no leeway. no momentum. i have the footing, but nothing to grab onto. got into a really bad fight this week with my mother who, told me directly to my face that my "trauma is bullshit" and that i "make it up so i (she) feels bad, and that i "only feel bad about it because i (she) challenge it". i spent weeks, months, talking to a therapist to realize why i'm so fucked up. i spent weeks, months, almost a year at this point learning to cope, and work with my issues. all of that effort, discredited. by the only person i interact with in person on a day-to-day basis.
i wish i had a car so i could just drive away, wish i lived closer to the city so i could just walk out my front door and have shit to do. but i don't. i don't have either of those things. i'm stuck on a farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere because of my family's shitty financial decisions. "ah yes this secluded farm with no social life nearby is a great purchase for our growing child in the family, surely this won't lead to unforseen consequences when it's time for them to become an adult!". i think i'm just tired. i'm old and tired.
i'm engaged though, so atleast there is that. if nothing else is going for me, atleast i have a loving partner and a healthy relationship. i know i'm the weak link in even that. i wish i were a better person for my fiance. i actively work on and try to be, but i fear some day it won't be enough, you know? like, some people put in all the effort, love, and care they possibly can. i kind-of wish i wasn't raised how i was because, i realize how flawed it is to be "i'm not doing enough", when this time last year i was bordering death's door..
now i'm so full of social anxiety that i struggle ordering my own meal at a fast food place. telling the guy sat next to me in the e.r. that i liked his crocs earlier this week was this month's challenge, and that alone made me feel fucked up. like i shouldn't speak to anyone ever again. on top of that, people say they care about me. but never fucking reach out. never just ask how i'm doing. never ask to hang out on some casual shit, or just to play a game. i'm always asking, and i'm always being ignored or turned down. i'm the loneliest i've ever been and it's my own fucking fault. i think alot of people look at me from the outside without not really knowing my thought process, how i experience emotion and think, "that person's probably happy. they spend their time doing nothing all day watching youtube and playing games".
baby i hate my life. to it's core. nothing is more depressing having dropped out at 17, and now being 25, living almost the exact same day, over, and over, and over, and over.
the only times i've been outside in public without parental or teacher supervision began last year, when i took a flight to europe for a month. then, after that, it was july or august this year. i finally hung out with friends from school. after almost a decade having not seen them.
i'm ashamed. of who i am. how i am. what i am. i wish i were able to look in the mirror, and see anything other than a husk of a failure of a person. i wish i were able to share my experiences and growth as if every day something's new. but i can't.
at this rate, why do i even keep going? sometimes i don't know, but that's at my deepest darkest moments. usually i just remind myself that there'll always be another day. that my future isn't set in stone, and that i have the love of my life to make things happen for and with. time progresses slow, but growth even slower. -amber
So long, cowboy
█████████████████
█████████████████
█████████████████
█████████████████
█████████████████